Emotional Download

I feel like I need to get  few things off my chest.  This is probably the best way to do so.

First off, I neekd to admit a couple tthings:  I am  perfectionist and I am fairly prideful. I like to be good at things.  Scratch that.  II LOVE to be good at things.  And I hate it when I am not good at something.  HATE IT.  And along with the pride thing, I like to be liked.  So what does a girl like me do when she finds herself in my current situation?  I don't know for sure except that I have thought about it a LOT and this seems like the best outlet.

The first issue is motherhood.  I love my kids.  Sooooo much.  But five kids is kicking my trash. I am always behind on laundry.  I can barely keep up with the dishes.  My house is messier than it's ever been.  And I hate it. I like order.  I like clean.  And I am drowning in chaos.  It is awful.  And it affects me a LOT.    It is embarassing.  I can't invite anyone over because I don't want anyone to see that I can't do it.  But I can't  and it makes me sad.  And I am exhausted ALL.THE.TIME.

Next is church.  Don't get me wrong.  I have a testimony.  I love the gospel.  But most Sundays I come away feeling like I just ran an obstacle course and barely survived.  It's rough.  And my calling as a ward missionary basically requires nothing because there are no meetings, no guidance, no nothing. I miss having something to do and be prepared for.

Extended family is so hard.  And it's not that you don't love everyone because you do.  Everyone has their own families and ways of doing things and when you put that conglomeration of ideas together it gets messy.  Sometimes SUPER messy.  And I admit, I think 90% of the time I am the odd man out.  My whole family lives over 200 miles away.  Most of my inlaws live within 10 miles.  My family gets together without me because of distance.  My inlaws I don't know why we get left out, just that we do.  Does it hurt my feelings?  Yes.  I try not to let it bother me but when we stop by to drop something off and everyone is together and no one invited us, it's hard not to feel slighted.   Maybe they don't like me.  MMaybe they don't like my kids.  I don't know.
 My husband is the best.  He is the hardest working, most awesome man I've ever known.  He loves and adores me.  He works basically three jobs to support our family.   And while I appreciate him and try my best to support him, I can't help but listen to that nagging little voice inside that makes me fear that he won't always be with me.  Two run ins with a brain tumor have made me very, very aware that life is short and there are no guarantees.  It is hard for me to see him sacrifice so much of his time.  And I hate to be away from him.

So there you have it.  I am a total nut job.  I have no answers for any of this.  II just needed to get it off my chest and admit to my shortcomings in search for some inner peace.  And please excuse the typos.  Blogging from a smartphone late at night while rocking a baby stinks....