Emotional Download

I feel like I need to get  few things off my chest.  This is probably the best way to do so.

First off, I neekd to admit a couple tthings:  I am  perfectionist and I am fairly prideful. I like to be good at things.  Scratch that.  II LOVE to be good at things.  And I hate it when I am not good at something.  HATE IT.  And along with the pride thing, I like to be liked.  So what does a girl like me do when she finds herself in my current situation?  I don't know for sure except that I have thought about it a LOT and this seems like the best outlet.

The first issue is motherhood.  I love my kids.  Sooooo much.  But five kids is kicking my trash. I am always behind on laundry.  I can barely keep up with the dishes.  My house is messier than it's ever been.  And I hate it. I like order.  I like clean.  And I am drowning in chaos.  It is awful.  And it affects me a LOT.    It is embarassing.  I can't invite anyone over because I don't want anyone to see that I can't do it.  But I can't  and it makes me sad.  And I am exhausted ALL.THE.TIME.

Next is church.  Don't get me wrong.  I have a testimony.  I love the gospel.  But most Sundays I come away feeling like I just ran an obstacle course and barely survived.  It's rough.  And my calling as a ward missionary basically requires nothing because there are no meetings, no guidance, no nothing. I miss having something to do and be prepared for.

Extended family is so hard.  And it's not that you don't love everyone because you do.  Everyone has their own families and ways of doing things and when you put that conglomeration of ideas together it gets messy.  Sometimes SUPER messy.  And I admit, I think 90% of the time I am the odd man out.  My whole family lives over 200 miles away.  Most of my inlaws live within 10 miles.  My family gets together without me because of distance.  My inlaws I don't know why we get left out, just that we do.  Does it hurt my feelings?  Yes.  I try not to let it bother me but when we stop by to drop something off and everyone is together and no one invited us, it's hard not to feel slighted.   Maybe they don't like me.  MMaybe they don't like my kids.  I don't know.
 My husband is the best.  He is the hardest working, most awesome man I've ever known.  He loves and adores me.  He works basically three jobs to support our family.   And while I appreciate him and try my best to support him, I can't help but listen to that nagging little voice inside that makes me fear that he won't always be with me.  Two run ins with a brain tumor have made me very, very aware that life is short and there are no guarantees.  It is hard for me to see him sacrifice so much of his time.  And I hate to be away from him.

So there you have it.  I am a total nut job.  I have no answers for any of this.  II just needed to get it off my chest and admit to my shortcomings in search for some inner peace.  And please excuse the typos.  Blogging from a smartphone late at night while rocking a baby stinks....

Women in the Scriptures Giveaway!

So I had a baby and am about a million years behind on blogging but I'll be back, I swear!  In the meantime, maybe you can win this book from my favorite blog:

http://womeninthescriptures.blogspot.com/2012/04/christs-gifts-to-women-giveaway.html

If only....

As we were driving in to town to the grocery store, the following conversation took place:

Porter: (Hears song on the radio...)  Mom, this Lady Gaga?
Me:  Nope.  We don't listen to Lady Gaga at our house.
Porter:  Why?
Me:  Cause she does things that Heavenly Father has asked us not to do and I don't like that.
Porter:  She litters???

What a JERK!!

With everything that we have been through this last year, I think I have been reasonably 'tough'.  Converting this construction loan into a conventional mortgage has been ridiculous.  The mortgage company is located in California, land of the million regulations.  We live in Montana, land of almost no regulations.  The California mortgage company kept requesting things that don't happen in Montana, especially in a rural county like ours.  (Things I might mention, I had read all about when we were in the research part of the building process but then was happily surprised we didn't have to worry about.)  It was nit-picky and ridiculous and even our poor loan lady at the bank was getting frustrated.  But.... we finally got it taken care of to the point that they were satisfied and closing was able to take place.  Of course, as the cherry on top, there was one more hiccup the day before closing:  the title company suddenly needed us to come up with six months worth of property taxes.  And it was a LOT of money.  Nobody could figure out why in the world it was so much but we got it taken care of, only to find out during closing that the state still showed our little subdivided piece as part of the whole ranch so the amount of taxes was half a year on the whole ranch!!  And the kicker was that my sweet mother in law had already paid all, I repeat ALL, of next year's taxes so there weren't any due.  UGG.  Anyway... all the paperwork was signed and the loan funded when the lady from the bank called me.  The title company that they had used during the construction process had a problem with the access to the property.  When we had surveyed our parcel off over a year ago, we had been surprised to find that the piece we were going to use as an easement was actually the former county road and was still owned by the county so no easement was necessary.  The county planner was good with it.  The State of Montana was good with it.  Easy peasy.  But this title company decided they had a problem anad would not 'insure' access to the property.  Our awesome bank lady gave them a copy of the survey showing it but they still didn't care.  She called me and explained it to me and suggested that maybe I call and talk to this man.  So I did.  I asked him how we needed to resolve this.  He said that we needed to go back to the lawyer and have my mother in law grant us an easement on the 30 feet of county road that runs through her place.  I asked how it was possible for her to legally grant us an easement on property that doesn't legally belong to her.  He informed me that he didn't have time to educate me on all the legalities.  I also asked how it was possible that we have gone through all the things we've gone through and that this had never been a problem before.  He said that it had been on the title policy they had issued us from the very beginning and that it wasn't his problem that nobody bothered to read their policy.  (Issued "us"?????  The bank took out the policy not us.)  It continued this way for several minutes.  Everything I asked, he responded in a way that implied that I was an idiot and far beneath his well-educated self.  He said the only way to resolve it at all would be to do as he said and go through the legal process of the easement.  Well, let's just say that doesn't sit too well with this 9 months pregnant woman who has been through medical drama, surprise legal fees and documents, and has another impending medical bill.  The last thing I need is another stupid bill.  (Lawyers are NOT cheap.  I can hear the ka-ching, ka-ching just thinking about it.)  Well, I lost it.  I started crying to the point that I couldn't talk.  After several minutes of silence, he asked if I was still there.  I choked out that I was trying to compose myself, at which point, my 3 year old climbed on my lap and started asking "Why you sad Mommy?  Why you crying?"  He finally said that he had to go because someone was waiting for him and he didn't have time for this but to call him if I had any more questions. 

Yeah, right.... 

The Year in Review

I sorta missed blogging in December.... whoops!  It has been a busy month between Christmas preparations, a niece's baptism, finally closing on our mortgage, and having all of Adam's siblings in town, not to mention getting ready for a new baby.  I haven't felt frantic but it definitely has kept me going!  As I was laying awake one of the many times last night (I am up because I'm pregnant and Adam got called in and was gone all night.  I don't sleep well without him.  Maybe we need a dog...) I was thinking about the ending of this year and everything we've been through....

January - Adam turned 33.  I spent the month not feeling well only to suffer the devastating heartbreak of an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy.  The surgery left me with physical and emotional scars but also provided me with an amazing opportunity to get closer to the Lord, since He is the only one who could truly understand my loss.

February - Porter turned 4 and my parents were kind enough to come up and help us celebrate, including my sweet mother making his Spiderman birthday cake since I was only a handful of days after surgery.  We spent the end of February and beginning of March in the "Happiest Place on Earth" a.k.a Disneyland with all of my family.  It was so fun to take the kids and see their reaction.  I love Disney.  I wish we could afford to go every year!

March - Paige turned 6.  And we finally got our construction loan for the house on the 29th, giving us 9 months til December 29th to finish the house and convert to a conventional mortgage.

April - We finally broke ground on the house mid-month.  I've never been so excited to see a hole in the ground in my life! 

May - Framing on the house started.  I turned 32, then found out the next day that a new baby was on the way!  We got the walls up and then it rained, and rained, and rained, and rained....  We were terrified that the lumber would be ruined!

June - I got to go to Billings for the weekend and spend time garage saling and then going to my sis in law Tove's gigantic dance production.  When I got back the trusses were up and the sheathing was on the roof.  It looked like a real house!  That was an amazing change!  Windows and doors went in, roofing and siding went on...  That was really fun to see the changes!  I also started to panic that the living room/kitchen/dining room weren't big enough....

July - We celebrated the 4th by going to the parade in Choteau and then wiring the house the rest of the day.  It was so hot and I wanted to die.  We spent most of July wiring, siding, and working on soffit and fascia.  The well was dug in July too.  The well witcher told us 80 ft.  We hit good water at 183.  Whoops.

August - We finished wiring and got the house insulated.  Then it was time for the sheetrockers.  It was glorious to not have to sheetrock and mud and tape ourselves.  In the meantime, my awesome friend Heidi helped me paint the cabinetry for the laundry/mudroom and the kids' bathroom.  It was fair bit of work but such a huge saving in $$$.  We go to Billings for my uncle's wedding reception and celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary with a trip to DQ.  Adam suffers health problems all month, including a seizure.  Tests finally reveal the brain tumor, which we find out about on August 23rd.  Life kicks up into hyper-drive.  That weekend following the diagnosis, approximately 30 people show up to work on the house.  People bring food, watch kids, paint, lay flooring, install outlets, lay tile, hang doors, put up trim, hang lights, install bathroom cabinetry and more.  We have never felt so blessed in spite of everything. 

September - Work continues on the house.  People sacrifice so much for us.  On the 6th, we find out that the new baby is a girl.  Adam can't believe it.  They even check a second time just to be sure and she's still a girl.  :)  On the 9th we go to Portland for Adam's initial consult.  The drive is brutal but the neurosurgeon is wonderful.  Surgery is scheduled for the 26th.  Work continues and people keep doing so much for us.  The house is finished and we move in on the 23rd/24th, which is miraculous because our inital goal was mid-October.  Adam, Jo, and I leave for Portland on the 25th.  The kids go to stay with my family in Billings while we're gone.  Surgery happens the 26th.  Everything goes well and so recovery starts.  I discover that my husband doesn't handle anesthesia very well.  He is finally released on Thursday the 29th.  We leave Portland with the goal of making it to Jodie's house near Spokane.  Adam gets incredibly sick near the tri-cities in Washington.  We think it's just a reaction to the meds.  We stay the night at Jodie's and drive the rest of the way on Friday.  We make it home late afternoon and the kids come home a couple of hours later.  I discover that it is incredibly stressful to take care of my children and my recovering husband at the same time.  We eventually discover that a huge part of Adam's problem is the pain meds.  They make him super nauseous and sick.

October - Recovery continues.  As Adam gets better and starts to get his appetite back, he starts gagging/choking on almost everything he eats.  It freaks me out but he says it's nothing.  We give it a little time but finally call the doctor.  They order some tests, Portland gets involved and orders more tests and a visit to an ENT doctor in Great Falls, where we are told that we have to get back to Portland asap.  We leave the kids with Adam's family this time and leave within a couple of hours.  Reece comes to give Adam a blessing before we leave and we are told to trust the doc's and not worry about finances.  We end up back in Portland from Saturday til Wednesday.  They discover that half of his throat and vocal cords aren't working.  They don't know why exactly but guess that it's from swelling from the tumor removal since the nerve the tumor was on and the nerve that controls that side of the throat are next door neighbors.  Part of everything he eats and drinks is going into his lungs.  They are terrified that he is going to get aspiration pneumonia so they take him off all food and drink and give him an IV.  They end up doing a procedure to inject his left vocal cord to help it fill it's half and inserting a feeding tube to allow him to get nutrition and bypass the throat.  He hates it.  I hate it. It's probably the darkest, hardest part of the everything we've been through.  We argue, cry, and have breakdowns.  It is awful.  We are glad to finally come home, with another overnight stop at Jodie's.  He ends up missing that entire week of work, when he had finally had his first day back.  They allow him to go back the next Monday with some restrictions.  He is doing computer work and it is mind-numbingly boring.  We get to celebrate Halloween.  Paige is a pretty witch, Porter is Captain American, and Sarah is Tinkerbell. 

November - Adam starts speech therapy to help his throat get better.  We have high hopes that he'll make lots of progress before Thanksgiving!  I attend Paige's parent-teacher conference.  They tell me that she's reading like a super start and is a joy to have in class.  I am not surprised but still so glad to hear it!  Sarah turns 3.  I attempt my first stacked cake.  It actually works but it's waaaay more cake than we needed!  Thanksgiving comes and Adam eats anyway, while we all pretend we don't see it.  We have more to be thankful for than ever this year and still have more blessings coming our way than we feel we deserve!

December - We finally get our wood stove after much trial and tribulation.  Adam has another swallow study which shows some improvement.  We get to go to Billings for our niece's baptism.  We also have 'Christmas' with my family while we're there.  I do most of my Christmas shopping online and it's glorious.  All of Adam's familiy comes into town and we have family pictures and a mini 'Christmas' with everyone.  It is wild and crazy but so fun to have everyone together.  In spite of our refusal of help, people give us gifts and money for Christmas anyway.  The bishop says that it's a sign of what good people we are and how we've lived our lives.  I appreciate that but we have been so, so, so, so blessed that we honestly and truly didn't need help for Christmas!  The strangest one is when the Sheriff pulls into our driveway.  We start to panic.  He comes to the door with a garbage bag with gifts for the girls, including the baby.  He says it's a "Rudolph Run".  Some sweet person in the community submitted the kids' names for gifts but doesn't know us well enough to know we had a boy too.  :)  Now we are just getting ready for this new baby to join our family.  I just know that she is going to be a huge blessing.  I know they always are but I feel like the Lord knew we needed this gift of joy after everything we've been through!

Now we are just hoping for a peaceful, blessed, glorious New Year.  Hopefully it will bring a lot of health, healing, and joy!  Thank you to everyone who has helped us and prayed for us.  We could not have done it without you.  It is an amazingly powerful thing to be the recipents of so much love and faith.  I always thought it was slightly strange when I heard someone say "I could feel everyone's prayers" but now I know that it really happens.  I don't wish hardship on anyone but everyone should have an opportunity to have such an experience.  I wish you all the best in 2012!

Wow

Everyone knows we've been through a rough patch lately.  Adam and I were talking about it the other night.  I said "It's been a rough three months.."  He said, "You mean six."  To which I replied, "No, we only found out about the brain tumor three months ago."  He answered, "No, I've been feeling crappy for six months."  I was surprised at that, "What do you mean?"  He said, "I was having the headaches for three months before they diagnosed it.  But who keeps having headaches and automatically thinks brain tumor??"  I replied, "Lots of people.  Lots of people who have constant headaches start thinking brain tumor."  Seriously.  Only someone who's been through as much crap as he has would think that way.  (Love you honey.)

Part of the deal of going through all this is that he's had a few priesthood blessings.  The first one was before the diagnosis which I detailed in the post where I told all about being diagnosed.  We knew Adam was going to be okay.  I have to admit that I didn't doubt that.  I did worry about exactly what the Lord meant by 'okay' but I didn't worry that he would die.  When we had to rush back to Portland due to complications, Adam got another blessing.  Again, he was told to trust the doctors. (which he often counters with "Well, which doctors.  They all said different things.")  He was also promised that the Lord would take care of us financially.  (Funny story about that... During the blessing, which was fairly detailed, all kinds of things were covered and I actually had the thought, "Well, ya forgot about the financial part...."  and immediately afterward Reece started talking about the finances.  Will I ever learn...)  When we were promised that things would be fine financially, I believe it but I certainly didn't expect anything extravagant.  I expected that our needs would be met but that's pretty much it.  And they certainly have been.  I cannot believe how much further our money is stretching.  The paycheck Adam got the week of the brain tumor surgery lasted us an entire month.  I still don't know how that's possible.  People from church keeping trying to do things to help us and when we tell them that we really are doing fine, they don't believe us.  (We have joked that maybe we should make something up because we feel bad when they feel bad that they can't help.)  Just last night I got a phone call asking if they could help us out with our Christmas.  When I told them that we didn't need it and in fact, I had most of our Christmas shopping finished, they were shocked.  They asked me how and I told them, very honestly, that I didn't know but that somehow it all just worked and that we are incredibly blessed.  I don't understand it, I just know that it's working that way. 

Well, today we experienced a Christmas miracle.  When I checked the mail, there was a check from the short-term disability company.  I thought for sure it was an error so I sent Adam a text.  He agreed that it must be a mistake.  I was just going to ignore it because if you cash them and you weren't supposed to have it, you have to pay it all back, which I didn't want to do.  I decided on a whim to call them and find out why we had received it.  The lady that I talked to couldn't understand why I was doubting.  She very politely informed me that even though he's been working full-time, he still gets some benefits because he has been on "light duty" restrictions and it had taken a while for them to receive all the necessary information from Adam's employer so this check was to catch-up everything they owed us.  She assured me that it had been checked by two people and was correct. 

I guess the moral of the story for me is that when the Lord promises you something, you better believe it.  When He says that He will open up the windows of heaven and pour out blessings, He really will.  We are just so incredibly blessed.

How to Cook a Turkey by Paige

(All spelling as written.)

First, by the turkey.

Put water on the turkey.

Next, put stuffing in the turkey.

Last, cook it at 2 degrees for 2 hours.

Yumy.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!